Stuff Cool Kids Need

In life, there are some things an official "cool kid" such as myself cannot live without. Now, I know what you're thinking, any mention of the word "cool kid" confuses you. You wonder, "does he mean he thinks he's in the retro hip hop group the Cool Kids who me and my friends love? Or does he mean he's a cool kid as in all those assholes in high school I hated but pretended to like before I learned how to be cool myself?" This is BULLSHIT ARTIST, so I mean both: no, I'm not part of the Cool Kids but if I was, maybe people would still care about them. And fuck yea, that's something the people you hated in high school might say so, therefore, I am both. How fuckin cool is that?

One day you basically get to a level where you stop giving a damn about other people and their opinions and focus almost entirely on yourself, for better or for worse. No one believes me but all you have to do is convince yourself the truth of how everybody else around you completely sucks.  Like somebody who's killed before, the look of someone who knows they're cool is unmistakable and not easily faked, people will notice. The whole idea can be summed up like this: if you're ever wondering, even for a split millisecond, whether or not somebody else thinks you're the shit, you're paying too much attention to them. 

Sometime after you've achieved self confidence and gotten laid a few times based on sheer aloofness, most cool kids require more than just looks and personality in their everyday adventures. Here's a handful of items required in or on any self respecting fun warrior's club house or property.  After all, Michelangelo, one of the earliest recorded cool kids, didn't paint the Sistine Chapel with finger paint, he used tools, gear, paraphernalia. Stuff cool kids need. Get your girlfriend's credit card, we got some shoppin to do.

A Stash Of Fireworks

Firecrackers are cool and necessary for a multitude of reasons. They're loud, bright, and work as a great deterrent to burglars or general enemies a cool kid might have to deal with. If you hurt yourself with one the  scar looks cool, and if you're trying to entertain people but aren't funny, they act as a great stupid and/or drunk person attention getter. I remember my brother had a stash of fireworks hidden in some abandoned camper in our yard when I was growing up and I always thought it was the tightest little hidden war bunker. Like something he might have to sneak off to one night for ammunition to defend us from our evil drunk uncle while we escaped in the opposite direction to safety. Creating one large firework bomb to kill said uncle with or just breaking them all up to light the dust on fire because it looks cool is also acceptable.

Sunglasses, AKA Hater Blockers, SG's, Forcekillers, etc...

I didn't wear sunglasses for awhile because honestly before you're used to them and really understand they just feel kind of douchey. It's sort of the same thing as taking your shirt off when you swim or going dancing, so many assholes do it and it's such a large change so it's hard to get into but I promise, it's worth it. Pick something simple and kiss everyone's weird vibes goodbye. Check people out, be high, or even check out people out while you're high all under the guise of properly used shades. Unless they're expensive, which is kind of stupid but whatever, sunglasses have sort of a lighter feel as they get shamelessly passed around at parties and left in friend's cars. If it's summertime and you've mysteriously lost your 7th pair, just assume I stole them and go buy another pair for a buck. Yea, I know, it's lame but we're friends and you decided it was okay to start dating my ex only two years after we broke up, so like, fuck it, right?

Bunk Beds

Bunk beds can take the place you sleep from the spot where you sit online and jerk off to a motherfucking command center where you sit online and jerk off.  With some simple sheet tie offs and adjustments, your living environment can rearrange any time you desire, even if it's never. Also if you don't mind forfeiting the space, either level of the structure works great for some lazy, just-dump-it storage for all your cool kid storage needs, even if it's just a fat drunk person -- but make sure if they're jean pissers they sleep on the bottom bunk. The framework of a typical bunk bed also works great for multi-level pillow fights and inside-the-house water fights that might break out during overnight cool kid conferences. 

Miscellaneous Recording Equipment

I say miscellaneous because the shit's expensive and I'm not too sure what kind of work you're doing. Whether it's hidden cameras to catch snitches and thieves or a sound recorder thing to make talk radio shows, every cool-dipped nigga I roll with has at least some of this stuff to get the job done. As with all of the crap I'm mentioning, you don't need all of it but if your budget allows stay as close to the list as possible. Recording technology is what separates us from the cavemen; that coupled with the simple Boy Scout motto "Be Prepared" makes for one well balanced killing machine. Having detailed files of one of your acquaintances doing something behind their significant other's back makes you a more efficient cool kid.

A Mode of  Transportation

Let's face it, you arent gonna be able to make it to the mall and the video store before 10:00 if it's just you and your fat ass walking at a blazing four miles an hour. Unless you live in Mega Tokyo, where I hear robots pluck you out of bed and lightly carry you to wherever you need to go, anybody with an agenda and not stick up their ass is going to need a way to get around. This can basically be anything, a bike; skateboard, modded ATV or any pickup truck made before 1992, as long as it runs properly and the AC works. AC was invented in the 80s, so no matter what condition the vehicle, if the AC cannnot be fixed it must be the mechanic's problem. Having a sturdy mode of transportation is generally self explanatory: people need to get around, especially at you and your friend's farm out in the woods this summer. If you have enough money, old cars can be used in demolition derbies and I hear for some odd reason people have started inventing tricks to do on your skateboard or bike I guess if you have absolutely nothing else to do, go figure. 

Halfway Decent Wardrobe

Clearly if you're as cool as I'm claiming you need to be to own all this gazazzle, you could probably walk stone faced into any night club you wanted and pick up the first honey you saw, raggedy pants or not. Yea, sure, that might definitely work, but not if the raggedy pants are baggy. That's right, I'm insisting any self respecting, politician stabbing jive motherfucker with a purpose should have a halfway decent wardrobe. Just keep it simple and sturdy, hip clothing always reverts back to clothes that fit well, not too baggy, not too tight. Keep everything somewhat classic so you don't have to worry about trends and the shit doesent fall apart, have a few weird found tees to show people up at parties and your set, done, over it. Simplicity and strength in mind and your really cool striped vintage collared shirt that you love.  

Video Games

Video games sometimes get left in the dust by people doing fun shit but every once in a while it's nice to just stop and have a good game around just in case you get in the mood. And that doesn't mean sit around all Thursday night playing Call of Duty with your friends -- but you can if you want. Are you getting it yet? It's okay not to like stuff and to not partake but any fuck bag who has to talk about hating video games is probably just having weird bottled up withdrawal symptoms from their video game childhood. Of course I prefer the classic shit; Super Nintendos have a large library, sturdy games, no awkward shitty late 90s graphics and they look cool in your living room. Playstation 2s are a close second, and Sega Saturns, Neo Geos and every other weird system are for fuck boys with too much money. I mean... do whatever you want. 

Light Weapons

Fuck gun control and everything but cool kids have to be safe not to kill anybody because prison for the rest of your life isen't you know what (opposite of hot). So, it's good to have protection, but always keep it light. Stun guns, slingshots, knives and the like are all acceptable but are to be used with caution. Don't bludgeon somebody to death with a rod full of change or tase some college kid at a John Kerry speech and you should be good to go. Guns are cool but seriously? Even if the person lives they still have a hole in their chest or no ear or limp or some shit, so just keep it clean okay? Non-lethal boobie traps on your property are cool and send a message to friends of your enemy: I'm fuckin crazy.  If you're into shooting real guns as a hobby I'm down with that but just keep it away while we're drinking and only point it at animals and targets.


One thing a lot of science fiction and horror writers dont like to mention to you is that common animals are essentially real life monsters that are just as interesting and scary as any made up creature. The thing reaching essentially Ewok cuteness above will grow into a huge,  lovable, sometimes viscous and cunning monster that has dirty sharp teeth and is a lot faster than you. Not to mention, they love humans and can be trained to bark at shit in your yard at night and bite possible fuck arounders. No, not every "pet" per say can be as useful in the same way a German Shepherd can, but even a bunny can make the most hardened coolie balance themselves out with love. 

A TV w/ Stuff For It To Do

TVs get a lot of shit these days because of books but come on man, shitting on TVs is like new form of persecution against an innocent, cutting edge art platform. So what if it makes you sit on your ass? Lots of other things you enjoy make you do that too but in the end it's just a matter of self control/confidence in what you want. If you don't want to sit on the couch all day absorbing useless information and reruns of Fresh Prince of Belair, have some self control and get the fuck up, however, if you are confident in the fact that you want to sit on the couch all day and watch TV then do it. As long as all your shit's handled who gives a hell what you do, especially if what you're doing is watching cable news high with your niggas. 

The TV also needs stuff for it to do of course, like some of that nigga-watched cable I mentioned or maybe just a VHS collection. You can probably use some of recording equipment I mentioned earlier to jimmy rig some sort of a VCR if you don't have one, and if that doesn't work then I guess you're stuck playing video games. 

Trampolines, Pools, Nerf Guns, etc...

This is delving into some serious rich kid shit but I'm no anti-capitalist, so if you're doing well enough to afford the stuff I needed to include it, because why not? Try not to break your neck because that's never cool but all this adventure back yard stuff is fun basically any time you have some energy or want to sit around on a trampoline and just chat. Personally if I had money, my dream property would have some of this stuff and maybe some mannequins or something weird to fire at from my rooftop with a personalized rifle. Yea I guess that sounds wacky, but shit probably gets a little wacky when you have enough money to buy whatever you want. 

A Well Controlled Stash of Drugs

Alcohol, drugs, dope, etc... may not be for everyone. But one thing I have noticed is that they are for most people. So, whether it's for you, guests of yours or just every motherfucker at the get-togeth, drugs and boos will always be as classic as a pizza when it comes to bringing people together and brightening moods. Of course, there's the well controlled part, which means you probably shouldn't over-do it, as with anything on this list. After all, nobody likes a junkie unless they're in a stupid band and cool kids aren't in stupid bands. Cool kids bust out a joint or some pure ecstasy after some weird friends you don't know get into a brawl at your house after too many beers. Of course you have enough for everybody, it's well controlled. Just like your demeanor and outfit and piles of shit all over your crib, it's all just perfect because you're reading this article. But now that everyone's starting to roll, take the conversation to the trampoline.

Well, now that I've nursed you through the process of collecting general C.K. materials to help live your life to the fullest, you should probably be able to get that monkey off your back and totally never want to collect any more stuff ever again. The things I've listed are mostly necessary and not a waste of your time if you identify yourself within the ranks of those of us who walk the path softly and carry a big stick of revenge.  There are probably some more obvious things that should be on the list that I haven't mentioned but as I have mentioned, knowing is half the battle. So if you don't know, I guess you're just gonna fuckin die. 

I'll throw you a couple of bones on the obvious stuff though; keep yourself fed and never forget to have a bumpin but culturally relevant soundtrack:


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