To-Dos - 1/24/12

I haven't been posting any updates lately so I figured I would just use this space to make lists of shit I need to do. Bear with me, Internet. After all, the world doesn't revolve around you. Anyway:

- Buy a needle, thread, some muscle and a bottle of chloroform and kindnap the cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia to sew their mouths shut forever. If I have to hear one more of these assholes yell at each other about some dumb fuckin scheme I don't care about while they mechanically reference earlier episodes I'm gonna puke. The worst thing about this show are all the stoned friends and dumb college chicks you have to watch it with who wont stop referencing prior episodes like it's some pass key to a good comedy. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it.

- Attend the the Harbin International Ice and Snow Sculpture Festival in Harbin, China. The festival boasts true-to-size ice buildings and giant statues to explore/check out for the ice commando inside of you. It's too late to go this year so I'll just make a note to remind you, but please don't forget before we're too old to take mushrooms and go to this. That might be a horrible idea, but not if we're rich and with our Chinese speaking, European girlfriend that's really nurturing and into you and and also occasionally does mushrooms.

- Start dating a Chinese speaking European girl that's really nurturing and into you and also occasionally does mushrooms.

- Be aware of the new NDAA 2012 bi-laws that indicate the man can detain you for as long as they want with no trial, so long as they suspect you might be a terrorist. Yes be very aware of the new law but don't freak out too much. Obviously it's sketchy as fuck but at the end of the day the government is still too afraid to take away the one right Americans possess that will at least always keep a politician, cop or soldier a few feet away in case the shit hits the fan:


- Don't forget the stress about eating many, many chicken cheeseburgers that come from cute dead chickens will soon be lifted after the successful creation of lab grown animal meat, as reported by Food Safety News. I'm really hoping this stuff takes off so that huge cluster of fuck would just be cleared up with the angry PETA people and the meat eating individuals who also own cats and dogs and feel weird about it.  

- Quit smoking weed, get a job, improve your quality of life and start dressing a lot cooler. Get a car and then nab the first Indian girl that starts talking to you and try to hold on forever (if she shakes you off you just go limp until you're stuck to another girl). While the rest of your douchey male counterparts clamor over Asian chicks and thick redheads, the better part of me has noticed that Indian chicks are definitely the hottest ethnicity on the I Live In America menu. Indian girls have all the hotness of a Mexican girl without the penchant for short brown dudes who can beat your ass. Indian girls don't like you either though, of course, and why should they? You know those crafty-ass Indian fathers of theirs know better than to ever let their daughter date some aimless college dropout/ has been with no money. So get a grip and quit all the nasty habits cause you know got'em so does her family.

- Don't stop smoking weed.

- Contact some hunters and scientists and find out what exactly the two guys from American Pickers are made of. I'm not sure if they're dead Pawn Stars customers, computer generated imagery, or just plain old beings of pink gay light. What if they were actually made out of antiques crafted together by History Channel producers with some sick plan for a new hit reality show? I'm positive that guy's face on the left is a 19th century devil demon mask from  a long lost carnival or something. I wonder if he'll take like 20 bucks for it....

- Hitchhike to New York to go to Park Slope Chip Shop, where various food TV shows I saw report that the menu includes deep friend everything, including candy bars and p-p-p-pizza pie. While in NY be sure to get out as soon as possible before somebody starts charging you rent. Oh, and also don't forget the Chip Shop sounds cool, but wait:

- Buy yourself a Presto Professional CoolDaddy Cool Touch Deep Fryer for $35 at Wal-Mart and do that at your house. It's sleek design looks cool in your house and the privacy factor can't be ignored when deep frying some of those wackier things people will toss in when they're high and just having a good time with friends:

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