I Want Tom Hanks Back

What the hell happened to Tom Hanks? He was my favorite actor during the 80s; starring in such favorites as Bachelor Party, The Money Pit, Joe Versus the Volcano, The 'burbs, and various other classics from my childhood that helped mold the man I am today. Yep, any time I needed to get away from the stresses of my family tying my older brother up with socks and rubbing onions on his back or failing pre-K, he was always there to bring me back down to reality. There was just something really magical and alive about his acting technique that really connected with me. It’s like, he knew. He was that 10 year old boy in a 30 year olds body. All I’m saying is if Tom Hanks were still making movies today the way he used to in the 80s, or God forbid another actor matched his skill and dedication, I might actually still give a fuck about real, no holds barred dramatic cinema.

But no. Instead of showing some balls after he blew up in the 80s, Mr. Hanks told his thespian friends to fuck off and took his big, black curls to the highest bidders in Hollywood -- regardless of his artistic integrity. Let’s take a second to review a couple of these pieces of shit, because chances are you’ve forgotten about most of them:

Forrest Gump

Where do I begin? Look at this guy. Anyone that dopey and kind hearted shouldn’t be trusted. You just know he’s plotting something, like a little fuzzy monster that seems cute at first until it bites into your jugular and lays eggs in your neck. The movie also manages to be politically incorrect on all fronts. Mildly retarded people apparently: cant drive, like mundane jobs like mowing loans, banging strippers, and randomly running across the country two or three times for no reason whatsoever. Hippies are stupid enough to follow him, everyone who liked disco got AIDS and died, and oh yea, black people have huge lips and are all stupid and obsessed with shrimp. Jesus. Ron Howard should be ashamed of himself. Anyway, points lost Tom. Though I do want to point out regardless of her age in this movie or ever (within reason), Sally Field will always hold my heart in a little folded up piece of magic paper that only her loving hands could open.

Saving Private Ryan

This kind of movie is supposed to make old people cry but my dad hates it, and I don’t blame him. It’s like the slick, music video version of Schindler’s List where everybody’s super sad and getting their arms blown off but all the blood is CGI so you don’t care. It actually reminds me of a stripped down Terminator Salvation except, instead of Christian Bale grimacing for two hours; it’s just a bunch of up and coming actors from 1998 getting picked off by Nazis -- then Matt Damon shows up. I don’t want to overstep my own film intellect here for a second, but when I squint my eyes enough, movies like this just feel like big, obvious signs about how far off all these actors and producers were from ever experiencing shit remotely close to this in their lifetime. Also, as Tom Hanks stars in more and more of these movies, it seems like his job has just become to sit there and be Tom Hanks, i.e. some random middle aged actor that everybody respects to the fill the part. What a sad sack of shit.

Toy Story

This entry in the Hanks filmography might be the biggest offender of them all. Instead of manning up and getting on camera in drag or with a business tie around his head, Tom Hanks conceded that instead of doing any acting at all, he would just take his daily trips to the millionaire bank under the façade of a shit kickin, CGI toy sheriff known as Woody. Abandoning your fans and every working actor’s dream (of starring in quality films that the masses can enjoy) is one thing, but don’t try to come crawling back to us with this fake computer animated bullshit –- it’s a disgrace. The flimsy plot is chuckle worthy: A sad little toy gets abandoned by his best fwiend who throws him around and treats him like shit and doesn’t even know he’s a real person -- yeah, that makes sense. I think the rest of us would agree in that situation we would just tell Andy to fuck off. I mean it hurts, but that’s life you know? Every once in a while you just gotta tell somebody to fuck off and move on. Showing this movie to kids is only going to promote unhealthy, co-dependent tendencies and probably make them puke to boot -- thanks, Pixar.

Sorry to remind you about all this negative new Tom Hanks stuff. I didn't mean to make you sad or offend you if you like some of these movies, they're just not for me. So thanks, but no t.hanks. After all the Catch Me If You Cans and Apollo 13s, it was only a matter of time before somebody called him out. I'm not saying the guy's bad or anything. I mean shit; look at all the good acting roles he's gotten for his brother and son, making That Thing You Do!, and whatever other kind of stuff he might have his hands in that I didn't look up online. He hasent gone completely soft. From an original Tom Hanks fan's perspective though, Turner and Hooch just seems like a distant, long forgotten memory -- and it deeply saddens me.

1 comment:

  1. You titled bullshit and say no offend? And you say forrest gump is a bad movie? Its not your fault, its my fault for reading this stupid stuffs. Pfft...